This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by Orochi Reject
Summary: Dock the ship. Find a bar. Have a couple drinks with his good friend Killer. Enjoy the night for what it was. That was the plan. But for Eustass Kidd, things never actually go as he plans them.


Dear lord...You actually clicked on this? Well, my thanks goes out to you for doing that much. XD I was just a little bored today, so I figured I might as well contribute to the One Piece stories category...This _is_ a slight crack fic, so brace yourselves.

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece or anything else referenced in this story. Except for the eavesdropping waitress. She is mine.

– –

Night had fallen upon a quaint village situated in the furthermost ends of the Grand Line and as the people of said quaint village began to pack it in for the night, a bar just south of the shopping district jolted to life and began to buzz with activity.

"For the millionth time, Kidd, I don't want a drink." A masked man with unruly blond hair assured his Captain as he ushered him down the cobble street towards the local bar.

Giving him a look similar to that of disgust, Kidd took firm hold of his first mate's arm. "Nonsense!" He bellowed, dragging the blond against his will.

Knowing all too well that there was no way he was going to win the ensuing argument, Killer let out a heavy sigh and decided to take it like a bitch. He'd go to the bar with Kidd, and he wasn't going to complain about it.

"Ya know..." Killer began in one of those condescending voices. "I overheard some locals talking about us not being the only Supernovas on this island."

"Really?" Kidd questioned, genuinely interested in the subject Killer had brought up.

"Yeah." Killer said monotonously, ending the conversation right then and there, knowing that doing so would irritate his Captain.

That was the goal though. Killer knew that Kidd had a secret desire to meet the other Supernovas. Whether he was going to admit it or not was another matter. However, Killer also knew that if Kidd did meet another Supernova on the island, there was probably a 99.99998% chance in that encounter somehow ending with the island they were currently on being completely and utterly wiped of the face of the earth. Or something like that...

After a few minutes of silence, and multiple disapproving looks from Killer underneath his mask, the duo had arrived at the bar.

Shady, loud and raunchy were the three first words that would come to your mind upon seeing the old, dimly light bar nestled between several curiosity shops. Outside, it was accented with 'ladies of the night' loitering around the door, bumming cigarettes and hiking up their, already, miniskirts. Around the side of the bar, drunken slurs could be heard followed by the sounds of trash cans and other foreign metal objects smashing to the ground as the local Barkeep threw out those causing a disturbance inside.

_Just the way I like 'em._ Kidd though while laughing madly.

"Alright!" Kidd said with an unnaturally enthusiastic voice. "Let's go inside!"

Deciding not to voice his opinion, Killer quietly followed his Captain inside. Normally going to a bar with Kidd wasn't a problem. Okay, that was a lie. Bars were probably the last place Kidd should ever be. Especially by himself.

_Good thing he dragged me along with him... _If Killer's thoughts would have been voiced, they would have dripped with sarcasm.

Stepping inside, the two Supernovas took in as much of the current action as they could before being shoved inside by some locals who obviously lacked the virtue of patience. There were hairy, burly men laughing obnoxiously while downing drinks like no tomorrow, then there were the girls who were serving them. Some obvious pirates, though they certainly didn't belong to Kidd's crew, who were roughhousing much to the dismay of the workers there. Then there were those annoying little shits who sat at the bar screaming at the mounted T.V., expecting the sports players to be able to hear them.

_Ugh, fuck. We're not sitting anywhere near them! _Kidd thought trying to contain his growing hate for these men at the bar. Men that he didn't even know. Oh, well. If they somehow got caught up in an accident involving a certain red-haired Captain and every utensil and piece of metal in the bar, it would be their own fault.

_They better keep it down though._ Kidd mentally threatened.

Scanning the general vicinity for a spot that Kidd would deem as acceptable, Killers eyes landed on the last thing he ever thought he would see. Ever.

His eyes grew so wide they seemed ready to fall out of his head and his mouth hung agape. Of course though, with his face hidden by his mask, to Kidd it just looked like Killer was...well...being Killer.

Just as Kidd was about to drag Killer off, yet again, his eyes locked onto what his first mate was gawking at.

There, upon the bar, stood a man who had maybe just a bit too much to drink. Toppling over nothing and making obscene hand gestures towards no one in particular, the man started yelling something inaudible while some oddly dressed men around him laughed hysterically, holding onto each other for support. This man, so to speak, was Supernova X Drake.

A devilish grin was plastered onto Kidd's face as he watched his fellow Supernovas make a complete ass of himself. There was no way he was going to pass up an opportunity like this! Slightly shoving his way through the crowd of on-lookers, Kidd silently made his way over to the drunken Captain, Killer following in his wake, not far behind.

"I-I..." Drake slowly began, slightly wobbling back and forth. "I am the mighty Drake-osaurus-Rex! HEAR ME ROAR! _ROOOOOOAR!"_

Both pirates looking up in amusement, Killer more so in pity, watched as Drake craned his neck back and let out a, as Drake himself would have put it, battle cry.

Laughter erupted from the crowd while the patrons of the bar watched this once former Marine stumble up and down the bar counter. With his arms curled up by his side and his neck tilted back, Drake let out low roars and the occasional odd clicking noise.

Breaking the crowd apart, a man widely recognized as Basil Hawkins came forward giving the Dino-captain atop the counter a glare that was not to be easily dismissed. His crimson eyes locked onto his Jurassic friend while he marched his way towards him.

"Drake. You are not a dinosaur. Get off the bar." Hawkins demanded, placing his hands on his hips. "And for the love of all things holy, put a shirt on. You're going to poke somebody's damn eye out."

"Don't listen to him Drake, you can be whatever you want." A low voice casually interrupted, chuckling lightly.

Hawkins, obviously not happy with this mystery man's intervention, scoured the bar for the owner of the voice. And Drake, not caring, began snapping his mouth and coking his head to the side while continuing with his dinosaur escapades. A mating ritual, if you will.

Following Hawkins' line of sight, Kidd found himself looking at a slim, tan man with striking steel gray eyes. A cocky smile graced his handsome face. Surrounded by what would be safe to assume was his crew, he lazily propped his elbows up behind him on the edge of the bar counter. His previous comment had irked Hawkins and the smug look on his face showed that he knew it too.

_Another Supernova? _Kidd asked himself while raising a nonexistent eyebrow in slight amusement. Yeah, he had seen his wanted poster a couple islands back. _Hmm, what was his name again? Truffle-somethin'? Truffle...Trufflegar Law? Mmmmm...truffles. I love truffles..._

Breaking Kidd from the chocolaty delicious trance he seemed to be in was the startling sound of glass smashing against the ground followed by a loud 'thump' then a chorus of painful moans. Without even thinking about it, he looked over to the bar where Drake had been. Yes, _been. _No longer on the counter, Drake could be seen writhing on the ground. He had accomplished breaking some plates and glasses along with a few bar stools on his decent down as well.

Heartily laughing aloud, Kidd walked over to the fallen man who was currently bawling his eyes out and whining about something while attempting, and failing, to get off the floor.

"I-I-It's okay guys! These broken liquor bottles and bar stools broke my -urp- fall!" Drake assured his crew.

"Oh, dear god. This is why we can't have nice things..." A tall, muscular man that resembled one of the three musketeers sighed. While he and musketeer number two grabbed hold of their Captains arms and hoisted him up, Kidd watched the two men drag their Captain off, with some difficulty, to the table where the rest of his flamboyantly dressed crew was waiting for him.

Though successful with bringing their Captain back to the table, their small victory was short lived. Not wasting any time, Drake bound from the table shorty after being released by his crew members.

"No time to explain guys, grab a cactus!" Drake wailed, obviously addressing his crew.

But before they even had time to argue, Drake was once again up on the counter, cactus in hand, waving it around like some cactus waving dinosaur.

Maybe decorating the bar with cacti plants _wasn't _such a good idea after all...

Shaking his head while watching Drake fight an enraged bar tender off with his cactus, Killer spoke quietly, not really addressing anyone in particular. "Law, Basil and Drake, eh?"

"Ha! Yeah, them three plus you and me makes five. Five Supernovas in one bar." Kidd added.

_Your math skills are frighteningly good Captain, they're certainly not to be reckoned with. _Killer mused at his Captain's adept ability to point out the obvious.

"Six actually..." A soft voice corrected.

Taking his eyes of his first mate, Kidd looked over his shoulder and eyed the woman who had been, obviously, eavesdropping on their conversation.

She was dressed in black slacks and a white blouse with the sleeves cuffed up, complimented by black heels which more than made up for her lack of natural height. She wore an apron with the bars name embroidered on the front and possessed a solemn, almost tired, look about her. Her large, olive coloured eyes that were slightly hidden by her shag of dark blonde, choppy bangs stood out in contrast with her bronzed face. Her name tag read '_Sophie_'.

Kidd's amber eyes seemed to bore through her skull as he turned on his heel to fully faced her. Kidd, being quite tall and muscular, almost engulfed the petite young woman's frame as he gave her a questioning look.

"Six?" Kidd spat, his patience running thin due to the fact he didn't know what she was talking about.

"There are six _supernovas_ in the bar tonight." She added, not wanting to try this particular Supernovas patience.. "Scratchmen Apoo is over there with his men." She absentmindedly pointed before sauntering off towards some men beckoning to her on the other side of the bar.

Lo and behold, the eavesdropping waitress was right. Tucked away in the corner of the bar was Apoo and his crew. Not that Kidd really doubted her. I mean, really, could you even accidentally confuse the musically gifted man with anybody else? He was pretty...unique looking.

Excited with the fact that there were six Supernovas in the bar, Kidd decided now would be a fun time to people-watch. Too see how his fellow Supernovas acted...and reacted as well. So stalking off to the bar he took a seat on one of the stools, knowing that Killer would no doubt take the one next to him, he ordered some food and drinks.

– –

The hands on the clock seemed to whiz around in circles while the numbers fell off and floated aimlessly to the ground. Kidd and Killer had come to the bar around 7:00 and for what felt like the short time they were there, nearly three and a half hours had already passed. Though unbelievable, the many bottles of whiskey, liquor, and ale that were littered around Kidd would testify against that notion.

"Hey, Killer -hic!- Whhhaa...wha time is it?" A quite drunken Kidd slurred while his head wobbled back and forth.

"S'about 10:30, I'd say." Killer answered while polishing off, yet another, bottle of rum through his green, sparkly bendy straw situated in one of the many holes in his mask.

Tilting back on his stool precariously, Kidd furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Hoooo-eee! When'd it get so late?"

"Dun know." Killer answered in short while gripping his rum bottle tight enough to smash it into pieces.

"You know!" Kidd suddenly burst out, in a louder than appreciated tone. "I don't always drink! But when I do-"

"Enjoying your night, Eustass?" A familiar voice, heavily laced with boredom, interrupted.

With heavy and half lidded eyes, Kidd's look of delight was replaced with one of confusion. The red haired Captain stared at the rack of assorted crystal glasses in front of him, his face twisting with rage. _The nerve._ Inhaling as much oxygen as he possibly could, Kidd puffed out his chest and so began the staring contest with the wine glasses.

He watched them...But they didn't move. No, they just sat there...like inanimate objects! _Like. Goddamn. Inanimate. Objects. _They just sat there, yes they did. They sat there smiling at him. An action Kidd interpreted as silent-mocking laughter.

After what seemed like an eternity of intense staring, the voice spoke up. "I asked you if you were enjoying you night. It's rude to ignore people you know." It stated in a matter-o-factly tone.

"Kidd..." Killer whispered while nudging the man with his elbow, breaking his focus.

"Ehh...?" He drawled while slowly turning his gaze to his first mate.

Nothing was said by Killer in return, but he did point his thumb behind him, beckoning Kidd to look. Slowly turning his head, Kidd's neck twisted in an almost uncomfortable fashion and his eyes met with that of the infamous Dark Doctor.

It took a while. For everything to sink in that was. First, for Kidd to recognize who the man standing in front of him was. Then, Kidd stared for a while, not sure if he was the one Law was looking at. Finally, he came to the realization that Law was the one who had spoken to him earlier, not the wine glasses. That was not to be said that the wine glasses could be trusted though. Nay! One must keep their eyes on those sneaky wine glass bastards...They were probably related to that goddamn talking pitcher of Kool-Aid that burst through everybody's walls.

_Ohhh yeah._

"Huh...I was, until yhu came over heer." Kidd drawled in the most snare tone he could manage after turning back around giving his full attention to the new bottle of liquor, courtesy of Killer, that had found it's into his hands.

The previous comment, delivered without much force, was quickly shrugged off by Law. "Eh, whatever."

Feeling Law's eyes still on him, Kidd ran his free hand through his hair, hoping that if he ignored him long enough, he would go away. But alas, there was no prevail on Kidd's part.

"Get lost Trafalgar." Kidd snarled, annoyed with the uninvited man's presence.

Sporting his trademark grin, Law's eyes narrowed dangerously signaling the beginning of the war that was about to erupt. Trafalgar Law was not a man to be ignored. Not by anybody. Certainly not by Kidd. Nor was he man to take orders. And Kidd ordering him around? Well, that certainly wouldn't do. He'd have to teach him a lesson now.

"Okay...If you insist..." Law piped up, acting as if he was about to reveal something of dire importance before he was shoo'd away by his fellow Supernova.

Nonchalantly slipping his hands into his jean pockets, Law turned around ready to leave to two men to their drinks. Then that's when he let it slip. "I just thought you might want to know that...Ah, never mind...It's not like you'd want to know anyway."

Troubled by Law's remark, Kidd's eyes narrowed in suspicion and a large frown spread across his pale face. Curiosity struck him and he then decided that he _did_ in fact want to know. What is it he wanted to know about, he wasn't sure though. But if Law knew, he wanted to know too.

"Waaaait..." Kidd began, not sure if he wanted the tanned man to leave or stay. "Wuduh ya mean '_It's not like you'd want to know anyway_'?" He asked, trying to act like he wasn't as interested as he actually was.

Stopping dead in his tracks, Law shrugged. "Eh, it's nothin'."

"No." Kid corrected. "It'sss obviously somthin'."

"Eh..." Law frowned, beginning to walk off again.

Kidd was not one for mind games. No, he was the kind of man that would much rather punch something in the face and be done with it. Kidd's already short fuse, coupled with the alcohol he had consumed that night, had him ready to explode.

"Wheeere are yah goin'!" Kidd barked, anger beginning to boil up inside him.

"You told me to get lost, remember?" Law countered, ignoring Kidd's question. "Unless...You want me to stay, that is."

No. He did not want him to stay. He just wanted to know what he was going to tell him. But life isn't that simple. Not for Eustass Kidd.

"God damn Law. Jusss tell meh!" Kidd boomed, causing the local fisherman beside Killer to shit bricks.

"Fine, fine." Law laughed, still as smug as ever. "But it's a secret..."

Taken aback by the tan man's sudden intrusion of personal space, Kidd tensed up as Law leaned in towards him. Cupping his hand and placing over Kidd's ear, Law whispered something to him as Killer watched in slight jealousy.

After Law had finished what he was saying, it took a while to get through to Kidd. He sat on his seat, a little confused at first, but then it hit him. Like waking up one morning and finding Doflamingo on your ceiling wearing nothing but an apron. Not that it would be a bad thing mind you...

"_**WHAT!**_" Kidd bellowed, causing Law to take a few, cautious, steps back.

Killer had not the time to even speak Kidd's name before his Captain got off his stool and booked it towards the door while screaming like a deranged banshee.

As killer sat in confusion, Law had somehow found his way to Kidd's previous bar stool seat. Not even taking notice of the Dark Doctors company, Killer questioned his sanity, not quite sure what to do now. His Captain had just run out of the bar screaming loud enough to shatter, not only glass, but his ear drums as well.

– –

Now, despite the waves of boisterous laughter and onslaught of indecipherable profanities that filled the musky bar air, accompanied by the sound of an odd plate or two smashing against the hard oak floor, a certain Apoo Scratchmen decided it was far too quiet for his liking.

So taking a stand from his table in the corner of the bar, Apoo stumbled his way towards the center of the action, with high hopes of livening the place up a bit. With his vision a tad blurry and feet not wanting to cooperate, it did take him quite a while to actually get to where he wanted to be.

The journey to his destination was quite a wild one though. He had made sure to steer clear of the tall grass, because everybody knows that wild Pokemon live there. And right now, well, he just couldn't deal with any Rattata's or Geodude's. Also, he made a mental note to avoid the odd little Leprechaun squatting on the bar. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing...but he had a good idea. And he wasn't too keen on bumping into that gorilla on the other side of the bar. Well, he wasn't 100% sure it was a gorilla. It could have just as well been the flower shop lady from early last morning. But it was most likely a gorilla. Maybe...

Finally arriving at his desired destination, Apoo just stood there. In the middle of the bar. Like a fool. But nobody really noticed him anyway. Not until he broke out into song that was.

Without warning, Apoo's deep, sensual voice rang throughout the bar. "_Heeeeeeyeeeeehhyeaaaahhh_!"

Not even giving so much as a glance to the many people who were now staring at him, Apoo started up a beat of his own, clapping his hands and swinging his head to the side, his torso mimicking the same swaying action as his head. As this horrific sight gained the attention of everyone in the bar, mounted televisions were muted and the once loud, rowdy atmosphere was massacred. Silence covered the bar like a thick coat of fog.

"_I believe in MIRACLES_! _Where ya from_? _You sexy thang_!~" Apoo belted while his dance moves transformed into ones similar to those of an exotic dancer. "_I believe in MIRACLES_! _Since you came alon_g! _You sexy thang_!~"

A few seconds of speechless silence passed, but it was then that Basil Hawkins, who was currently situated not too far from the drunken dancing man, came to the sullen reality that Apoo's glassy, half drunken stare was fixated upon him. Ready to run for his life, Hawkins motioned for his feet to move and take him out of there as fast as humanly possible, but he soon came to terms with the fact that he was frozen in fear. Leaving the bar at this point in time was no longer an option.

"_Where _-hic- _did you come from ba-baby_?~ _How did you know I needed-ed-ed youu_?" Apoo continued with some difficulty, his previous alcoholic beverages beginning to work their way through his blood stream. "_H-how did you know I needed you soooo_ -hic- _badly_! _How did you know I-I'd_ -hic- _give mah heart gladly_!"

Not wasting any time, Apoo shimmied and shuffled his way towards the blond, now just mere inches from him. Hawkins being absolutely petrified, hadn't moved an inch. The Magicians eyes were wide and his face was beginning to drain of colour.

Wanting to end with a bang, Apoo raised his voice several octaves. "_YESTERDAY, I WAS ONE OF TEH LONLEY PEEPUL, NAO YOUR LAYIN' CLOSE TAH ME, MAKIN' LOVE TAH MEEE_!"

Dead set on his target, Apoo had Hawkins right where he wanted him, but before the Music Man could even do so much as lay a finger on him, a fist came swinging out of nowhere, clobbering Apoo square in the nose. The owner of said fist? None other than X Drake. A quite enraged X Drake at that too.

Chest heaving in and out while fissures of steam escaped his ears, Drake lunged towards his long armed foe, tackling him to the ground with ease.

"Stay away from my wife!" Drake roared, gnawing on Apoo's arm like a savage beast.

"Wife? What _**are**_ you talking about?" Apoo screamed, putting as much emphasis on the 'are' as possible.

Not even registering the question, Drake let out a formidable battle cry while pounding the man beneath him's chest like a child having a tantrum. Trying as best as he could, Apoo shoved Drake off and booked it towards the bar counter, leaping over and taking refuge behind it. Though it wasn't the greatest of hiding spots, it would suffice...for now.

Apoo, now devising plans to rid himself of the crazy dinosaur man, was on his hands and knees

crawling behind and underneath tables, searching for a way out of the bar.

_There it is!_ Apoo grinned. _The door!_

But before he could even crawl forward another inch, the mighty Drake stood before him. Stumbling back, Apoo reached around on the floor for whatever he could grab.

His hands scouring the floor of a weapon, Apoo's fingers fell onto something soft and slightly damp.

_A cloth? What the hell?_ He thought while cursing fate for giving him such shitty luck in finding something to defend himself with.

_Maybe if I don't move, he won't see me..._Apoo reasoned, remembering something he had seen in a certain movie about a park with prehistoric creatures that got loose and terrorized some humans.

Nope. Drake saw him alright.

Not wasting time, Apoo whipped the dish rag towards Drake. Unable to avoid the projectile cleaning cloth, it came into contact with Drake's face, momentarily blinding him.

Unable to get it off, due the fact the he had little T-rex arms, Drake stumbled back while letting out cries of distress. If he was sober, this could possibly be the easiest task ever, but with his intoxication levels skyrocketing, Drake was convinced he was a T-rex. Therefor refused to move his arms from their positions at his sides.

But, worry not. Drake was not left to suffer this 'cloth-in-your-face' fate forever. Him and Apoo were promptly thrown out by the Barkeep. And outside is where the battle of all ages continued.

– –

As the night continued on, a slightly bemused Killer sat in the far corner of the bar, alone, where he had found himself once Kidd ran out dramatically, screaming something about it 'being a conspiracy'. He sat in his seat, quite content, while silently watching the ensuing fight between Drake and Apoo outside the window.

His attention span slowly decimating, Killer refocused it upon his drink. The bar was quite now. Mostly due to the fact that nearly all of her patrons had left for the night. There was still a large group of local men at the bar, and Law and his crew hadn't left yet. Then there were some of Killer's crew mates. But there weren't actually conscious at the moment. As for Hawkins...he left not too long ago, afraid that the victor of the battle between Drake and Apoo would come back looking for him. So, yes, he left. Not just the bar, but the island too. He wasn't going to take any chances...The cards never lie...

A fool to think that he was actually going to be able to relax and enjoy the night, Killer stretched out and propped his feet up on one another while closing his eyes. Not even five second after doing so, the sound of bar doors being smashed into tiny little wooden pieces rang through the early hours of morning.

Those poor doors.

Not even needing to turn around to see who had entered the bar in such a fit of rage, Killer let out a sigh, heavy with disappointment.

"Stooopid piece ay' shit man!" Came the easily recognizable voice of a red haired Captain. "YOU LIE!" He spat, flailing his arms and filling the air with words that would make even the most hardened of sailors blush.

Insults that were obviously meant for Trafalgar Law were simply ignored.

Glancing over at his perturbed Captain, who was currently trying to beat the Dark Doctor to a pulp, Killer mentally face palmed.

"KILLER!" His Captain's voice so loud it nearly shook the entire bar.

Turning his head towards Kidd, who was storming towards him, Killer braced himself for the shit storm that was about to hit.

Ready to really hear it, Killer readied himself, but just as he Kidd was about to approach him, he spotted something that would prove to be of great assistance.

_A scarf?_ Killer though as he eyed the glittery pink fashion accessory that was left on the table by the lady before him. _Maybe if I wear it, Kidd won't recognize me._

Deciding that a slim chance was better than none, Killer took the scarf and wrapped it around his neck.

"Killer! Get up now!" Kidd barked, his fists balled up in rage. "Help me kill that son-of-a-bitch Law!"

Quickly realizing his mistake, Kidd apologized raising his hands slightly, in defense. "Oh...sorry Ma'am. Thought you were my first mate."

Normally an apology would be something scarcely come by when talking with Kidd, but the flame haired man didn't want to take any chances with pissing off this lady. She looked like a killer...

Flicking his wrist and waving his hand as a sign of 'apology accepted', Killer said nothing and returned to his drink. He watched as Kidd rampaged throughout the bar while shooting various metal objects at Law, who was currently mocking him.

"Jesus H. Christ." Killer whispered to himself, still in shock. "I can't believe it actually worked..."

Coming back to reality, Killer quickly glanced towards the clock on the south side of the bar that revealed that it was only 1:22.

_Ugh, god...this is going to be one long day._

– –

Well, dayum! Congratulations if you didn't turn back after reading that terrible first paragraph up there. How many brain cells do ya reckon you lost? I bet it was a lot. Ha, anyway, many thanks to those of you who actually read my crappy little piece of literature.


End file.
